This post was originally written November 11 of this year. Even as I wrote it, I didn't whole-heartedly believe it and therefore, hesitated to post it. I can now say with full assurance that I believe every word I wrote back then. I'll comment more on how I'm feeling after the 11/11 post....
_Nov. 11, 2014____________________________________________________________________
Every few months or so, I find myself at a ledge. You see I climbed this mountain years ago to be able to have the opportunity to stay home with my kids and home school them. It took years to prepare financially and time after that to confirm that this was the road God had called us down. Anyone who has home schooled knows it is an extremely challenging job.... probably the hardest I've ever had. Trying to be mom and educator at the same time often ends in tears, impatience, conflict and craziness. The best scenario is when these days of tension come few and far between. However, sometimes I find myself in the midst of them more often than I'd like. I question whether home schooling is the BEST option for my kids. I wonder if returning to work would help relieve the burden financially. So I come to the ledge of home schooling and think about jumping off back into the corporate life. That's where I was last week.
Things had gotten so frustrating on a daily basis that I was positive returning to work was the best answer. One major thing holds me back in these situations.... I truly felt like this was a calling from the Lord. So I had conversations with my husband and my parents about what to do in this situation. What exactly did God call me to do? Home schooling was not originally in the plans, however due to financial limitations for sending our kids to private school, we ended up here. My husband and I discussed and debated over what things could help the situation or what things could change. But I still wanted to throw in the towel.
I also wanted to capture how I was feeling at this moment to look back and remember the frustration, etc. that I felt while home schooling. I pulled out my journal and flipped through to the next open page. On my way there, I read the last post I had written. Interestingly enough, it was in January of this year. I could have practically copied the entry and put the November date on it, because it was EXACTLY how I was feeling again. Back in January, the thing that held me back from looking for a job was that a friend told me about Balaam. Balaam asked God for something and God kept replying 'no'... finally Balaam continued to ask and God finally said 'yes'. It was not what God had wanted for Balaam. It was not His best. (Read the whole story in Numbers 22) However, currently, I just wasn't sure that what I was providing was the best for our kids or our family.
So my husband finally gave the 'ok' to look for a job. However, he wanted a time frame on getting one and if God did not provide a job within that time frame, I would continue home schooling... and be happy about it :) I also spoke with my father who encouraged me to take a job and see what happened.... it didn't mean I couldn't go back. Funny how sometimes when someone gives you what you want, you start to question whether or not you really want that. Well that's what happened.
I started checking the web. Ironically, on a particular companies' web site, I logged in to save a job to my cart. Lo and behold, there was another job in my cart from none other than January of this year. I saved the new current job in my cart to make sure all my information was updated. In the meantime, I started having second thoughts. I wanted to write this post to highlight the things that may keep me on my path.
1. This job has eternal value
My father works for the company that I used to be employed by. He's been telling me about many of the things that are happening in the company and the sometimes idiotic or counter-intuitive policies that are in place. It's the type of things that Dilbert cartoons are written about. Things you just want to shake your head at. It made me realize that many corporate jobs have no eternal perspective in them at all. Oh, sure I can share my faith with co-workers and be the light of Jesus to those around me, but in my home I have 5 willing and open hearts right in front of me.... ready to hear the gospel of Jesus.
2. With 5 kids, homework itself could take all night
I remember enough about working that our evenings were basically spent completing homework, eating dinner, attending whatever sporting practice/event that was that evening, bathing/showering the kids and going to bed. It pretty much eats up week nights with that routine. With home schooling, we get all of our work done during the day, which allows for a few hours of downtime to spend with each other before dinner and sports practices.
3. I enjoy being with my kids.
I really enjoy spending time with them, having the flexibility to go and do field trips, chillin' together during breaks, breakfast, lunch, etc. I enjoy having FUN with my kids in the summer attending the pool, beach, picnics, hikes, whatever the weather allows.
4. Half (if not more) of my income would be spent on schooling and vacation break child care.
Sending 5 kids to private school would cost a pretty penny. Let alone, I would need to provide child care for Christmas/Easter breaks, days off, sick days and the biggest of all, summer. That alone would eat up a huge chunk of the money I would earn.
5. Many of my problem areas would still exist.
The house wouldn't be cleaner, the laundry wouldn't be any more done. I'd like to think I'd have enough money to hire a housekeeper, but the reality is we probably wouldn't. The things that are causing me some frustration now would still be there and there would be even less time to complete them.
6. School/Work is a haven for germs/sickness.
I know this one probably seems petty, however, when you have to pay for someone to watch your kids when they are sick, you want them to get sick less, not more. One of the reasons we started using au pairs for child care many years ago was because the kids were getting so sick frequently at day care. It's just the nature of a bunch of kids together in the same place. With 5 kids in school, a single bug through the house could cost us 5 or more days off of school/work.
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So back to today, December 26.... I sought the Lord for a while during this time. I actually ended up applying for 2 jobs since this post was written, however, I really felt the Lord speak to me through other people and a blog post, that I was supposed to continue my homeschooling journey. The blog post came right out and said, literally, "Don't give up on your homeschooling journey. The Promised Land is all that God said it would be!". That blog was posted Nov. 16. It actually brought me to tears that God hears our requests and prayers and can answer them so specifically. He truly loves His children. When you pray for guidance, He will be faithful to deliver it, you just need to be willing to listen!
