Writing In Prose

Ah, what a week.   It's been a doozy.   My husband worked this week about an hour and 15 minutes from our home installing a kitchen.   To save on gas money, he spent two nights at my aunts house.   Which, of course, left me for 3 days with the kids all to myself.   By Thursday, I was at the end of my rope.   On top of which, my husband thought was going to be a short day in which he didn't get home until 11 PM.   I think the expectation of him being home earlier on top of three days of fighting, complaining, crying, whining, etc just got to me.  

Sometimes, I tend to hide out in my hard times, not wanting to "bother" anyone.   Hence the reason I am able to write about this now.   I feel better today and now that we're on Christmas break, I hope the next few weeks will go better than usual.  

I been overcome by feelings of failure lately.   Like I am doing irreparable damage to my kids in my emotional roller coaster, lack of self discipline and lack of consistency.   I also feel so alone.... like every other mother out there has got it together.

So my husband and I ended up having a "spirited" conversation yesterday about everything that's been going on.   Neither one of us has a true gift of motivational speaking so it takes some working through to pick out the nuggets of good information that are put forth.   But he did have some nuggets.   One of the main ones was to start thinking in prose.   And I thought, well I already do that considering prose is the ordinary form of spoken or written language.   Then I realized, he wants me to think in pros.   Verses cons, of course. 

I've been very stuck on the negative lately.   No money for Christmas, my husband is working all the time, the kids are fighting, the kids are asking me a hundred, no a thousand questions, school isn't going like I expected, etc.   I forget to look at all the good things I have.   God has met our bills since I quit, I have been able to spend quality time with each of my children, I can play and read and chill with them, my house is cleaner (sometimes), I'm doing what God called me to do.   I've been living like the Israelites in the desert wanting to go back to slavery in Egypt, blaming Moses for all the pain and suffering.   When I focus on the negative I get irritable and just all around down.   It makes this mothering process a burden instead of the joy God intended it to be.  

I want to live in faith that we are continuing to do what God has for us.   I want to be blessed by my children and not burdened.   I want to enjoy the time while they are little, cause it won't be here forever.  

So a special thanks to my husband for putting up with this wall of "stuff" I lay out there and for getting through to my heart and giving me a better perspective.   You truly are a gift from God to me and I love ya tons.  

To any other mother out there that feels at the end of her rope... you're not alone.   I cried three separate times on Thursday.   I made dinner, served it to my kids and locked myself in my room.   I love them SO MUCH and I didn't even want to eat dinner with them, just so I could have a few minutes of quiet to myself.   I think I'm safe in saying, we've all been there and this too shall pass.  

Psalm 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

High highs and low lows

What a couple of weeks.   As you can tell from the title it's been a real roller coaster ride.   First I'll start with the highs.   I wasn't going to post this until the end of the month, but considering the second part of this post, I'll share my good news.    For 2010, we made a good effort to pay down some debt.   Unfortunately when we got to the end of 2010, I had no idea how much we had paid off.   I would have had to dig through a lot of paperwork to figure out what all of our debts were at the beginning of 2010.   Additionally, we acquired new debt in 2010 after purchasing a car, so it definitely off-set the balance.   Near the end of 2010 is when we really headed in the direction of me quitting in 2011 so the journey got really serious.   Last December I took a tally of ALL of our debt.  It was BIG.   But now, I fortunately can see the progress we've been making.  

I was really excited about determining where we ended up this year, so I couldn't wait until the end of the month.   So here's the bottom line... From 12/28 last year, to early December this year, we paid off over $15K on debts.   That's principal balance!!!   I'm ecstatic!   Who knew?  Granted, now that I've quit, we anticipate that the pace will slow down considerably and we still have years ahead of us to get completely out of debt.   But I felt pretty good about the progress we made this year.   Just goes to show what we can do when we put our mind to it.... and have God's blessing of course!!!

So onto the lows...  I guess I'll just get right to the point.   Well maybe not... my husband has been working at a local computer shop for about 15 months.    Business has been slow.   My husband's old boss decided to sell the business to one of the employees.   Ownership changed Oct. 1 of this year.   Because business was slow, my husband's schedule had been part time to full time and then back to part time.   He is currently working 2 days a week.   Because he was only working 2 days a week, he's been picking up tons of construction work. 

Side story... since the construction has been picking up.   My husband has considered going full bore into business.   We've been praying about what to do.   My husband went on a hunting trip recently and had lots of time to pray and seek the Lord sitting in a tree.   He told me he didn't feel like he was supposed to stay in computers.    This is a little crazy for me, because about a year and a half ago we had a discussion about where to go and decided computers was probably a good avenue.   So here we are having a similar conversation again and going in a completely different direction.  I truly left it in the Lord's hands.   My husband is the head of our house and I want to follow his leading, but I also needed to know from God which way to go. 

So to the point... my husband got let go from the computer shop.   The new owner recognized that only being there 2 days a week, this job was not as important to my husband as it was before.   He also recognized that he could not pay my husband in the salary range we need to support our family to bring him back full time.   So of course I'm bummed to lose the income from this job... especially since it was guaranteed income compared to the ups and downs of construction work.
So that's my story.   Always a new adventure.   It's going to be an exciting ride.  

Blind Taste Tests

For whatever reason, my mom over the years has been very interested in blind taste tests of similar products.   One of the products is usually a no name, discount store brand verses top brands.   This has also flowed into recipes.   We are known to make two versions of the same item just to see which recipe is better.   Why do I bring this up you ask?   Well in the past two days, we've had TWO... count them TWO, blind taste tests.  

This is not usually this frequent of an occurrence for us.   However, my mom bought Eckrich bologna for sandwiches yesterday and had a small portion of Aldi's bologna in the fridge as well.    She and my dad tasted both of them side by side.   My mom of course knowing which one was which, but my dad had no idea.   Believe it or not, Aldi's bologna came out the winner.   It had more garlic according to mom.  

So the second taste test was banana bread recipes.   My mom has an old passed down recipe in her "box of recipes" that is a really good recipe.   However, it would have required me to go downstairs and find it.  Additionally it calls for cake flour in the recipe which we make ourselves (mixing flour and corn starch... not actually grinding flour), so it meant more sifting and mixing.   Neither of which I was up for.   So I opted to take to the web and found a pretty good looking Betty Crocker recipe.   Unfortunately, the recipe I found required buttermilk, which I do not regularly have on hand.   My husband stopped at Aldi's on his lunch break yesterday to get me the buttermilk and found out they don't sell it.  

After discussing with my mother, she volunteered to make the cake flour for me.  (Yay!  Thanks mom!)   Additionally, we needed the bologna (Eckrich, noted above) to go with our dinner, homemade turkey soup and sandwiches.   So when mom headed off to the store, she got me buttermilk as well.   (Again, thanks mom!  What a great woman!)  Then she asked which recipe I was going to make.    Since I had 5 very ripe bananas, I told her I'd make both.   And so I did.  

The Betty Crocker recipe definitely "looks" better.   The bread is all risen and nicely browned with the little cracks in the middle.  It also calls for an extra 1/2 cup of bananas, so I thought it would taste better.  I thought for sure we had found a winner.   The other recipe is much flatter and much darker in color.   I tasted them both today and there is definitely a difference.   The recipe that was passed down to me from my great aunt tastes delicious!!  Much better than the Betty Crocker one.  So there you go... don't let the looks deceive you.   We'll have to get a family consensus later this evening.   I'll let you know the results tomorrow.  

I do have to mention one more thing.   When I gave my oldest son a BC piece this morning, he said "why didn't you make grandma's recipe".   Since I made it late last night, there was no way for him to know which recipe it was.    I asked how he knew it wasn't grandma's recipe.  He just said "it tastes different".   Hmmm.... I guess we'll see.

Here's a pic of my two breads:

Big Excitement!

Our big exciting news for today is we FINALLY have an electric pencil sharpener!   I know it's the little things in life.   But this is seriously a huge improvement.    We have been struggling since we started school to keep pencils sharpened and not lose the little hand held pencil sharpeners.   Then when you do sharpen them by hand, half the time, the lead ends up breaking out the pencil.   Was totally driving us crazy.   I was able to get a nice electric one for a great price and it got delivered today.   Yay for sharpened pencils!!!

In the Moment

One of my boys is a totally in the moment kind of guy.   It actually drives me crazy sometimes because he can be totally okay and as soon as something doesn't go his way, he's off and pouting.   He usually doesn't like to talk about it either, so half the time you're wondering what's wrong.   One time we went to a small amusement park that has fun stuff to do like laser tag, go carts, mini golf, inflatables, video games, etc.   When we were leaving, we asked the kids if they had fun.... his answer "eh".   I was so mad that day.   It was mainly the fact that we were leaving and the 'fun' was over.     

It's funny though because I've been feeling that same way lately.   God has blessed our family with SO much and the first sign of an average or mediocre day and I'm like "why is life like this".   Today, and yesterday actually, I've been having a 'blah' day.   I'm not finding any joy in homeschooling and missing somethings about the business world, like the satisfaction of a job well done.    Oh, it's not like this all the time.   Some days I'm totally loving everything and it's completely awesome.  What's so crazy though is how quickly my attitude and thoughts can turn.  

We often remind my son that life's not a party.   It's not always going to be fun and sometimes it's just plain hard.    Today I need that message.   So I'm preaching to myself.    Just because things aren't all peachy doesn't mean God isn't in them.   Oh Lord, help me to realize the amazing gifts you have blessed us with and be thankful for them everyday.    Even in the midst of the blahs help me find joy!

So in other news, I'm not crazy about my daughters kindergarten teacher.   The teacher my boys had was so awesome.   So awesome in fact that you don't realize how good she was until she's not there anymore.   My daughter had some homework this week that I just thought was crazy.   I'm not sure if the teacher really expects them to be able to complete it, or if she really expects the parents to help as much as I had to without telling us.  Will definitely have to bring it up at conferences.    AND... my daughter is writing letters as part of her homework and has NO idea the proper way to write them.    If it's part of her homework, I would have assumed they practiced it or went over it in class??   Just makes me miss the other teacher.    The silver lining is that if my daughter stays in public schools next year, she will have the opportunity to have that teacher since she moved to teaching 1st grade.   We'll see.  

I so want a vacation right now.   I really love to travel and am getting the itch.   It looks pretty bleak for taking a vacation anytime soon; unless we do it with tax return money, which only means something else won't get bought or paid.   Ah, choices, choices.  

Guess that's all for now.  

A Whole New World

I am so excited to be typing this right now on my new Netbook that my husband got me for my birthday.   Well, new to me.   It's actually rebuilt, but I'm not complaining.   So I started to think about how things have gone over the last 3 months since I left my full time job to stay home with the kids.   Things really are different!

Firstly, I've read more books in the past 3 months than I think I've read in the 18 or so years since high school.   I would say that I wasn't much of a reader, but the truth is I probably never had or made the time.   Now that I sit a lot and watch the kids outside, or have all the housework done during the day which leaves evenings more free, or wait for kids at appointments, etc, I have a lot more time to read.    I'm totally guesstimating, but I think I've read over 10 novels recently.   Jude Deveraux is one of my favorite writers, although I've really come to love the Little House on the Prairie books recently too. 

Another thing that's changed is I've been losing weight without even trying.   I've lost 10 lbs since quitting which is just under a pound a week.   I think it's because I hardly ever sit anymore.   And I can actually say that I've missed meals because I've been so busy...  that NEVER happened to me before.   I would usually sit at work and force myself to hold off on snacking until the next meal or appointed time.  

Among other changes, the other thing I started doing was BAKING!   Seriously never considered myself a cook/chef/baker or any other name for someone who prepares food.   I've been baking birthday cakes for everyone in the family instead of buying them and making homemade chocolate chip cookies like ALL the time.   I even got a bunch of recipe books from the library.  

It's so weird to be living this "alternate" life.   I've gotten to see other moms that stay with their kids, take my kids to story hour, relax and watch movies or read books just for me!, visit the zoo during the week, visit the beach and build sand castles with my kids.   It's so amazing.

I just feel so blessed.   I guess it just goes to prove that so much of who you are can be buried beneath layers and layers of outside responsibilities.  Maybe that's not the best way to explain it.  It's just, I never got to do this stuff because I just never had the time working and raising a family.   I just thank God for this time and opportunity to explore new talents and gifts that have been hidden away for such a long time.  

Too long

Its been much too long since I've written here.   I've thought many many times about jotting down some thoughts or a little event and just never made it to the computer to actually do it.   So needless to say, things have been busy.

Homeschooling is in full swing.   This week is our 7th week of schooling.  It has been an up and down roller coaster for sure.   I can truly appreciate comments I've heard from other moms about trying to be a mom and teacher at the same time.   Wearing both hats is truly challenging.  I often say to my boys, "you would never whine like that or say that to a teacher in school".   There are also days  that I have to remind them a few times that "Playing with younger siblings" is not currently a subject we are studying during school time.  

It took us some time to fall into a routine and to be honest, our homeschooling is nothing like I envisioned it to be back in the summer... nothing.   The boys really enjoy working independently so they can crank out their work and get it done.   I pictured us sitting around the table studying each subject together and working through the curriculum.   There are some things we have to do together, but too often it doesn't happen and that task gets pushed to the next day.   But for now, it seems to be working and the boys are learning stuff.   Sigh of relief :)

The financial side of us doing this journey has had it's roller coaster ride over the past month as well.   My husband went back to work full time for the month of September, just to have his hours cut again in October.   A new twist to the situation though is that his company transferred ownership to one of the other co-workers (now boss) that was at the company.   Unfortunately for the owner, business has been SO slow.  Luckily for us, God has continued to put construction work in the path of my husband in order to make ends meet.   So much so, that we are contemplating, just naming the business and running with it.   We will be prayerfully considering that option over the next few weeks.   Not that anything would change really.... it would just be more formal.   My husband would continue to work at the computer shop part time and do this on the side (Is it really the side, if you do it more than your *real job*??)  Anywho, in the meantime of praying about it, my husband has been looking for other work.  

The main thing we are lacking right now is Health Insurance.   Go figure, we haven't had any major things come up in the past few years that weren't planned ahead of time and just in the month of September we had two ER visits.   Two of my boys on separate occasions cut their heads open enough to require a hospital visit.   My oldest son had 4 staples put in his head and one of the twins had his head glued.   How crazy is that!   So regardless of what happens with a job or business, that is one thing that needs to be seriously considered.  

I guess that's all I'll ramble on about today.   There are other stories to tell, but I'll save that for tomorrow.